Thinking
of the old, the new, the year passing, the year coming.
These
days, because of the way my daily routine works out, though I try to be mindful
and walk humbly with my God every day, it is every other day that I have my
close, deep, quiet time, seeking the mind of God, sorting out issues, and
lifting all of you and all of my offline people into the holy light of his
blessing.
Today
in that quiet time, I talked with him about a particular relational situation
that has occupied my mind in recent times. And I saw into it more clearly, saw
something new.
I
saw that, in a group setting, I had wanted to influence the feelings of the
other group members towards the one with whom I had a particular difficulty. I
wanted there to be kindness and compassion, gentleness and generosity, from
everybody – but in the case of this particular individual I wanted to be the
one to give permission for this generosity to happen, wanted others to wait
until I said the kindness could be released. I wanted to occupy the high moral
ground of being the Generous Person. In short, I wanted to be right. When
others showed their own kindness to the person I had issues with, or celebrated
that person’s goodness and positive contribution, I was not pleased – I was
irritated. I hadn’t given permission yet!
Gazing
into this, what I saw was that I’d wanted to be the lock-keeper, running my
life (and the lives involved with mine) like a canal under my governance. I
would say what passed through. I would open the gates. The water would flow
under my command.
And
the Spirit asked for this change: that I trade it for wild water – let it be a
river with its own living flow. That I not control it but observe it – like the
Ferryman in Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha*.
Not determining, but seeing. Letting go of the need to be right, to occupy jealously the post of Righteous One.
In
this would lie my peace.
I
have no idea why I’m telling you this except that I thought it was interesting
and perhaps you might think so too.
--------------------
*"It is this what you mean, isn't it: that
the river is everywhere at once, at the source and at the mouth, at the
waterfall, at the ferry, at the rapids, in the sea, in the mountains,
everywhere at once, and that there is only the present time for it, not
the shadow of the past, not the shadow of the future?"
--------------------
*"It is this what you mean, isn't it: that
the river is everywhere at once, at the source and at the mouth, at the
waterfall, at the ferry, at the rapids, in the sea, in the mountains,
everywhere at once, and that there is only the present time for it, not
the shadow of the past, not the shadow of the future?"
(Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha Ch 9)
Oh, yes! Quite interesting. And instructive, too. It came at just the right time....just as I was about ready to "control the gate". Again.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's what I thought, friend - these things in our lives, they tend to be matters we *all* struggle with and have to pass through, in working out our salvation. xx
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, and when I ponder upon it it is very true. I can see clearly that I too have felt this way in various situations.
ReplyDeleteWishing you and yours a blessed and peaceful Christmas.
Bean
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ReplyDeleteHappy Christmas to you and yours, too, friend xx
There is a book on my shelf entitled "Don't Push the River (it flows by itself)."
ReplyDelete:0) Yes - "Don't push the river" was one of the favourite sayings of my previous husband, Bernard (who died in 2004). Wise words. xx
ReplyDeleteIn my pained confusion of religion, what you described actually sounds Biblical to me, or with that basis, especially even considering yourself as having been a minister of Christ?
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ReplyDeleteThank you, friend. I hope so. x
Years ago a spiritual teacher advised me to Let Go of the Need To Be Right.
ReplyDeleteAs I did so the entire world fell completely apart. Scared the very hell out of me.
And then,little by little,the world put itself back together again, and made a great deal more sense than it had made when I was in charge of it.
And now that I don't have to be right every day is much easier, for me and no doubt for everyone who has to deal with me.
May you too be blessed with such ease!
:0) xx
ReplyDeleteHappy Christmas! May 2015 be a good one xx
I too struggle mightily with wanting to control that gate. God grant us perseverance in our endeavours.
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ReplyDeleteI think, somehow, it's about ceasing to struggle. Swapping struggling for just noticing and not being drawn in. Getting the knack of it, like learning to rie a bike. xx
Very interesting, indeed. I have control issues myself, it is always a struggle to not own situations or people. Go with the flow has become my mantra.
ReplyDelete:0) xx
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