"Fuss" and "fancy" funerals.

This may be just a UK thing.

I am seeing a lot of funeral related ads on TV at the present time. 

It might be because of Covid, or because I watch TV in the afternoon rather than the evening — like other elderly people I enjoy programmes about home renovations and the ambulance service, and mostly avoid dramas that can be described as either gritty or steamy. 

The ads about funerals jostling for space along with pleas from charities and recommendations for home/life insurance and equity release, are trending in the direction of what you might call "simple cremations".

The idea is that when you die the company will collect your body, take it away and cremate it. That's it. I don't know what they do with the ashes. You pre-pay this plan, so that there are no costs for your family to cover.

Having had a lot of experience with bereaved and dying people, and with officiating at funerals, I offer for your consideration a few comments.

The ads in question all show people saying when they die they don't want "all that fuss". A "no-fuss" funeral is what they want. 

Apart from "fuss" another word that features in most of the ads is "fancy". They don't want a "fancy funeral" with a fancy hearse. They want a simple cremation so their family is free to remember them and celebrate their life in whatever way they choose, without the worry of the financial burden a funeral would place upon them.

Let me say at the outset that, since my family are experienced at crafting religious ceremony, had I known of a firm that offered this option back when I pre-paid my funeral, it is probably what I would have chosen. So I am not against this form of dealing with the disposal of a body.

Apart from that, almost all else I have to say advises caution.

There is no need for you to leave a financial burden that will be a problem to your family, because you can pre-pay any funeral, not just a simple cremation that has no funeral service. My own funeral is pre-paid with Golden Charter — a belt-and-braces option, because Golden Charter works with independent family funeral directors, so if Golden Charter goes bust your chosen funeral director has to do the funeral anyway, and if the funeral director goes bust then Golden Charter must fulfil your pre-paid requirements through another funeral service.

Funerals are expensive, which is why pre-paying them makes sense — you peg the cost; but they are not, as some ads make out, "ripping off the public".

Every funeral needs the following people: 

• two people to pick up the dead body at any time of day or night
• a funeral director who meets with the family, implements your wishes and organises everything and takes care of you on the day 
• a hearse driver 
• bearers (four or six depending on the size of the deceased person)
• a driver for any limousine you need (crematoria are usually on the edge of town and can be hard to get to for non-drivers, which many elderly people are, even if they used to drive once)
• the receptionist at the funeral service who will take your initial call, make your appointment, look after you if you go to view the body, receive any flowers for the coffin etc, and be on hand if you need to call again.
• the mortician
• the crematorium office staff 
• the person at the crematorium who looks after everything on the day — tidies the chapel, makes sure things run on time, clears the body at the end, looks after the electronics for music and monitors the chapel space
• the people who actually move and cremate the body, or dig the grave (if it is a burial) and come back to fill it in when you've gone
• an organist if you want to sing hymns — a live musician is infinitely preferable to singing along to a recorded backing track, and can provide any other occasional music with sensitivity 
• the officiant, who will (should, anyway) also meet with you beforehand to carefully talk through exactly what you want for the ceremony, and help you to find any readings, music etc that you may be unsure about, and can guide and advise you about what will flow well and what may be best avoided (and why), and then will craft the ceremony for you, and officiate on the day
• the priest/minister and verger and any other church staff (organist, flower-arranger, grave-digger, maintenance crew for the grounds, cleaners etc), if you are not going to the crematorium but only having a burial at a church

All these people are involved in a funeral, and all of them have to heat their homes and pay their mortgages and feed their families — and that's why funerals are expensive, not because funeral directors are ripping off the public. The rising cost of living means every single one of these disbursements rises every year, and that's why funeral costs rise all the time, and by quite a lot. Nobody is being ripped off, and if there are some things you don't want — a limousine, an organist, an officiant — you don't have to have them and if you don't have them you won't have to pay for them. Furthermore, all funeral directors take their share of what are sometimes called "paupers' funerals", where the deceased has no money and no relatives or friends — the bearers stand in as congregation, and the prayers and music and readings are carried out with as much care as if it were the funeral of the Queen. It's also traditionally the case that everyone provides their services free for the funeral of an infant.

Moving on, then, to what the ads say about "a fancy funeral" and "fuss".

This is, frankly, disingenuous marketing nonsense. 

Funerals are not fancy and there is no fuss.

A funeral can be quiet, simple and plain; dignified but not complicated. 

Life is changing all the time, but it remains true that most people feel the need to mark the passing of someone they love by laying that person to rest in a way that includes:

• prayers or reflections in keeping with their spiritual outlook
• sharing of tender and happy memories, skilfully expressed in some form of address, and also as family tributes
• meaningful readings (poetry/scriptures etc)
• music
• silence
• gathering
• beauty
• the solemnity of a ceremony in an appropriate space
• a form of words to commend the deceased to burial or cremation, and to commend their soul to whatever is in keeping with the spiritual outlook of the deceased and the mourners

This is what the ads are calling "fancy" and "fuss", and in my experience these elements are helpful and supportive to bereaved people, and are a significant step toward healing the pain of grief and the ache of deep loss. Gathering with friends and family to commend a beloved partner or child or friend into the hands of God (or whatever is your belief), and remember the person they were and all that they meant to you is not making a fuss, for goodness sake. And to take their last earthly remains to the chapel in a coffin covered with flowers in the back of a hearse (rather than to the cremators in a body bag in the works van) is not "fancy".

The simple cremation ads suggest that if you dispense with all this fancy fuss, your family can remember you in the way they wish — and the ads usually show people larking about on a beach or drinking wine at a party. 

Really? That's an adequate farewell for someone whose death leaves you feeling as though half of you has died as well? Letting off a firework and drinking a glass of beer covers all you want to do or say if your adult child has committed suicide or died in a car crash? Are you sure?

If you, personally, do decide the most appropriate way forward for you is one of these advertised simple cremations, I still think you would do well to leave in place some kind of arrangement for a ceremony to mark your passing. 

The last chapter of my book Spiritual Care of Dying and Bereaved People (second, re-written edition with BRF, not the first edition with SPCK) gives detailed templates for funeral ceremonies to help you craft your own. That book is out of print now, and available only secondhand — Amazon seems to be more or less out of it, but there are some copies on eBay — but if you want a copy and can't get hold of one I can send you a PDF of the text.

A "simple" cremation may be the right thing for you, but think carefully before deciding — if there is anyone who loves you in this world, they will probably be comforted and helped at a time of painful loss by a thoughtful, appropriate, well-prepared funeral ceremony reflecting the spiritual outlook of the deceased and those close to them. The financial burden is indeed significant, so either pre-paying your funeral or simple cremation, or taking out life insurance (which should, but may not, cover it), is a responsible step that, in my opinion, everyone should consider.