Slightly longer than mid-hip; ever so comfortable.

I do most of my shopping online. I prefer second-hand everything, and ethnic clothes, and the high street stores do not often sell the kind of things I like to wear.

When you buy clothes in a normal shop, you may be approached by a sales assistant, but otherwise you are left to make your own judgements and appraisals.

When you buy online, or from a catalogue, of course there has to be a blurb.

I am puzzled by how many advertisers describe their wares as ‘really comfortable’. This is often said about shoes. How can they possibly know? Surely it depends entirely on the shape of your foot. What is really comfortable for me, given that I have feet like a marsupial, will be agonizing for you if you take an extra wide fitting and have a high instep – even if your feet are also a UK9.

I also fail to understand why they describe their skirts as ‘calf-length’ and their jackets as ‘mid-hip length’. On whom? A woman of 5’2” with a short back ? A woman of 5’9” with short legs and a very long back? Not on both.

Measurements. That’s what we need, chums. Numbers!

Then there are the benighted individuals who tell you that the garment is really lovely and they bought it for their sister’s wedding only last year and have never worn it since. But you don’t care. All you need to know is the bust, nape to hem, the hips, the waist, the arms and across the back. The wedding is a matter of indifference.

But, darlings, if you really don’t want to sell me something, say this: Only reason for sale massive weight loss.