Saturday 5 January 2019

In case you do not recognise me

I know I've asked you this before, but you might have changed your mind. Do you make New Year's resolutions? If you do and you have, what are yours for this year?

I have made them in the past, but this time it's more to do with having my nose to the ground following a track.

There are three things running for me, and they are all connected.

Firstly, I think 2019 may be a turbulent year. There are themes connected with water emerging — which also means flow, which also means currency, which also means money, so it's important now (in my opinion) to be frugal and debt-free and live simply so as to stay afloat and bob on the waves like a napping seagull or feel at home and not lost or overwhelmed bumping along the bottom. It's a time of old structures being shaken, so it will be very convenient to be small and free and sitting light to things, unencumbered — as it always is. The flexibility of simplicity will be important in 2019, I think. I might be wrong, I often am, but that's what's drifted my way. "If in doubt, simplify" is part of my rule of life (the other items are equally useful. "Don't walk backwards in the supermarket" is one, and "Eat ripe peaches in the bath"). So we in our household have been vigorously simplifying, clearing out absolutely everything we think we can live without as 2018 crossed over into 2019, sending away everything that does not actively beautify our home and enhance our lives, all the junk we don't regularly use and can find a way to make redundant. I'll take some photos for you if you're interested. And I have set in place for 2019 a simplifying down of my budget, living on radically less, giving more away, paying better attention to frugality.

Secondly, in 2018, starting in February, I began a process of clearing out accumulated and clogging illness. I've got on well with it and seen off a lot of problems. But the more issues I clear, the more are then free to come to the surface. Recently I've got down to where sadness and anger and sorrow and old grief have got trapped in my liver, and now I'm clearing, clearing, allowing them to evaporate off because their time has passed. This has also involved addressing a few old relationships — in different ways according to the particular paradigms —because 2019 is a year for setting the new in place, and that's what I'm doing; re-drawing the lines of engagement, because in the past some have been uncomfortable and disadvantageous to me. 

Thirdly, I feel an emerging theme of letting truth appear. There's no need to be harsh or mean, but I have come to a place of declining to cramp or accommodate who I am in the hope of pleasing people who are hard to please and who export personal discomfort as blame. I do believe every person is doing the best they can with the information they currently have, and you can't fruitfully ask anything of someone who is unconscious, can you? So God bless them every one, but I am no longer willing to dance to their tune. This year — bit by bit, quietly and cautiously like snow starting to fall, not like turning a fire hydrant up to full whack without notice — I am going to let truth appear, and find a way to live my truth truthfully in this world. And my truth belongs to God, and my perception is that a great deal around me has sold out to Mammon, so that may cause conflict and limitation, but we'll see. On the shelf over our telly there used to be a row of DVDs and recipe books, but we have removed those and put them in a cupboard we emptied in all the end-of-year clearing, and instead set a block of slate into which our Alice cut the letters: THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. It's going to be a useful reminder all through 2019. I'll put a photo here to show you when the day has come and I'm no longer in bed writing this.

So those are my three things for 2019 — a minimalist level of simplicity, clearing, letting truth appear.

In 2018 and intensifying as it passed into 2019, an old and tired phenomenon began to occur. There are two odd and contrary abiding dynamics in my life: 1) I am curiously invisible — people tend to literally not see me, and rarely recognise me. But, 2) I often attract a powerful adverse reaction — resentment, rage, hate, jealousy, fear. 
   I try to slip through like a shadow, disturbing my environment as little as possible, practising quiet from the physical right through the subtle to the spiritual. But sometimes I attract attention, and when I do it is often negative. Towards the end of 2018 I began to attract a certain amount of negative attention, and when I talked this over with our Hebe she had some advice for me: "Lie low like a flat fish," she said: "lie low until it passes. It will soon be gone."

That is such excellent advice. I do have a strong fishy component to my nature as it happens, and can rest like a speckled trout in the dappled shallows almost invisible. So if you see me in 2019, this will be what I look like:






Nothing to see here. No starry flounder on the seabed. This is my year of becoming quieter, quieter, simpler, simpler, less . . . less . . . less . . . 

Not this cat —

This cat —


Oh — and at the end of 2018 I got an Advance Directive all witnessed and signed, and at the beginning of 2019 I sent my doctor a copy for my files. Basically it expresses my wishes that, though I am in good health at present, when the time comes I want no one to get between the burglar and the door. You gotta leave when the Spirit says "Leave", and that's how I want it to end when it does. No interventions, no resuscitations, no prolonging, no curtain calls and no encores. When my work is done, I'm out of here.

And one more thing — right on the end of 2018 a dear friend of mine died, a strong and spiritual woman who could always see me and loved me most generously. Pearl. She is still hovering near just now, and helping me prepare what is needful for the committal of her body, which I am honoured is my role in her funeral. She is also exerting some gracious influence on the flow of energies around me, which is dearly welcome because she was a healer, and a sparkling fountain of crystal clear truth and kindness. I am grateful for her life and her friendship, and for the beauty of the wake of her passing as her little barque heads out into open sea.

So. Thank you for patient listening. How about you?

24 comments:

Suzan said...

Welcome to 2019. I feel I am one of the invisible ones and I like it. Your goals sound wonderful and I am pleased you have written a advanced directive. Blessings for you when you commit your friend.

Haven't made too many goals for the year. I want to express my creative side. But first I have to work through hand surgery. I am worried, not about the operation, but the fact the doctor has not send me any paper work and it is scheduled for Wednesday. I am going privately as I waited 8 years for surgery on the public list.

God bless you sweet lady.

Pen Wilcock said...

May God's purpose for you be exactly and precisely manifested in the treatment of your hand. May you be happy. May you be well. May 2019 be a blessed and peaceful year for you — with time and space for your own activities and interests, for holidays and travel, and for fun; not just for family.

Kortney Garrison said...

Your line about snow falling put me in mind of this Wendell Berry poem, Pen:

Suppose we did our work
like the snow, quietly, quietly.
leaving nothing out.

Peace keep you,

Pen Wilcock said...

Snap! I thought of it too, while I was writing in! I love that poem! And I see that quotation every day, because I have it on the side of the box where I keep my tights and socks!

:0D

May 2019 be a good year for you, Kortney — full of blessing.

greta said...

my own heart reaches out in recognition of all that you are saying. gentler, simpler, quieter, calmer. that is what this year calls forth. there is also a sense that there are forces in play that want to prevent just those things. the struggle is to remain faithful to the calling to peace and deep, deep prayer. there are hidden ones in the world whose very presence helps to preserve some balance. thank you, kortney, for the wendell berry quotation! i'm going to write that out on a little card and post it in my kitchen to remind me. we all travel this road together, blessings to everyone gathered here.

Pen Wilcock said...

And blessings on your path through 2019, Greta. x

Anonymous said...

Your Hebe sounds a wise one. I too shall heed her advice for I too seem to attract unfathomable ( to me) reactions. I like this post A LOT. Thankyou and, as you heap blessings for peace upon your readers, may they also return to you. Best wishes from a Deb shaped flat fish! X

Pen Wilcock said...

:0D

See you on the sea bed . . .

Helen said...

Thank you for this post Pen. I too liked it A LOT, it has given me a good deal to think about and consider as I seek to simplify. We are indeed living in interesting times, and on the cusp of much change. I feel that I need to be prepared, well really we all need to be prepared, but we are all only responsible for ourselves. We can maybe lead by example, but that does require for us to be clear on the direction in which we are heading. I don’t make new year resolutions, I haven’t for years. I have heard of people choosing a word for the year, and I have never done that either. Up until today, as it happens. This morning as I was sitting quietly, just sitting in God’s presence, no agenda at all, just concentrating on bringing my focus back onto Him when it wandered, which it does frequently, the word enough came into my mind. And off my mind went again. But actually I am thinking that to focus on this particular word will help me greatly on my journey. God is enough for me, faith can be made complicated, but I’ve had enough of the loud and showy and being told what I should believe and and how I should behave. I am enough, I don’t have to pretend to be anything other than who I am. I have enough, too much actually, so plenty for me to do on that front. There is enough just in those three sentences for me to think on and act on. I like the thought of laying low like a flat fish on the ocean bed. I will try and remember that. X

Pen Wilcock said...

:0D

Hello, Helen.

On top of the box in which I keep my underwear tops it says "I am enough".

On top of the box where I keep my underwear bottoms, it says, "You have enough".

That way I make sure to see and think on this words every day.

On the top of the box with my socks and tights in, it says, "We are already what we want to become."

And I was intrigued by this book I spotted yesterday:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C1FM8GG/?coliid=I1U496IJXPU62F&colid=LRQZFBZ3TAAS&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

xx

Christine said...

Thank you, that was just what I needed to read today, and a belated thank you for your notes in BRF's New Daylight at the end of last year, my sister and I loved it.

Pen Wilcock said...

Thank you, Christine — God bless you and keep you through 2019.

Helen said...

Thank you for this Pen. It looks like a helpful book. I have heard of Thomas Merton and the others, although not this particular book. I shall put it on my Amazon wish list, so that I don’t forget it. At the moment I am reading a book called Grounded by Diana Butler Bass which is about finding God and recognising Him in nature and in the world around us and in us rather than up there somewhere. Then I plan to reread Into the silent land by Martin Laird. Contemplation and silent prayer is where I feel God leading me, away from the evangelical, loud, commanding, naming and claiming type of Christianity that I have struggled with for a good few years. X

Pen Wilcock said...

Sometimes monastic communities or Quaker meetings offer a thoughtful, quiet, but still challenging and engaged, approach to faith.

Rebecca said...

I want to be just like Pearl.

Rapunzel said...

I like your plans for 2019 Pen!

I boycotted resolutions years ago, because they bring out my rebellious side! Ha!

I did decide on a couple of things to improve my world this year though.

On New Years Day I decided to go Zero Carb, but typical of me I decided I will do it as soon as I finish the last of the holiday egg nog. (non-alcoholic but loaded with sugar). So bright and early January 2nd I embarked on this new way of eating. one week in I feel healthier and more energetic than I have ever. Ever.

So I used the newfound energy this weekend to clear out my guest room, which over the last three years had devolved in to a catch-all. I've spent two hardworking days on it, gotten rid of tons of junk and the stacks of boxes I'd saved with the longstanding intention of decluttering the room. I am happy and relieved to say it is now properly guest-worthy.

May your fresh new year be awesome!!!!

Pen Wilcock said...

Rebecca — she was the sweetest soul alive. A worthy role model indeed.

Rapunzel — Ha! Go, you!! If you are looking for inspiration at any point, Gary Taubes' new book "The Case Against Sugar" certainly concentrates the mind. It's hard work wading through all the interesting-but-heavy historical stuff that occupies most of the book; the best plan is to go straight to Chapters 10 & 11, read those, then stroll through the early chapters at leisure. It is really good.
I've been aiming at cutting out sugar, wheat and dairy through 2018. In 2019, I'm going to eat only occasional and small amounts of dairy and wheat, but try to be almost sugar free. I say "almost" because I am realistic . . . I find the same as you — the effect is revolutionary. It's hard to stick to it though.
Well done on the guest room clear-out. Marie Kondo is on Netflix now, and has been inspiring us all over again.

Anonymous said...

It's me, Rapunzel. Internet is acting weird today...
Marie Kondo on Netflix is what finally got the lead out of my britches.
I'd read her book ages ago, and got a lot of sorting done through the house, but then a few years passed and things accumulated. As they do.

In an amazing "coincidence" after I had begun the sorting on Friday I had lunch with my eldest daughter on Saturday. I had not mentioned the clearing out project to her.
When I drove up to her house to pick her up there was a huuuge dumpster parked in front of her garage doors.

My son in law came out to give me a hug, and said "Were finally getting rid of the junk in the garage and basement the previous owners left behind four years ago"
then he added "If you have anything you need to get rid of, bring it on over, the dumpster will be here for two weeks>"

How perfect is that? Then we got blessed with some balmy weather as well, so I hauled off dreadful stuff to the dumpster and nice but unneeded things to Goodwill.

This week I plan to tackle the back yard, which I keep as a jungle running wild for the little creatures. the previous tenants left a lot of old balls and bits of broken tools and things strewn around in the high grass. I think those things would go nicely in a dumpster too.
The squirrels and crows will not know what to think ; )

Julie B. said...

I haven't made resolutions in years. I got tired of failing so quickly. I have also found myself suppressing who I really am in years past, to not offend people. I always felt bad that my real self was off-putting to some. I appreciated all you wrote here, Ember. You have me thinking about my liver now. xoxox

Anonymous said...

As usual your writings spoke directly to me. After much soul searching, I finally left a toxic work environment and officially retired at the end of 2018. This came after many years of preparation. My husband and I live very frugally and have no debt. Currently I am at home sifting through boxes and donating stuff that, as you put it, will be made useful for someone somewhere. I am also experiencing a shift in personal relationships especially those to do with my church community. Myself and a close friend have found great comfort on your ideas of the anarchist church. All the best for you and your family in 2019!

Arlo said...

I check daily for your posts and it seemed like forever since you last wrote. I am relieved you are alright and my condolences on the death of your friend. Two quests are on my mind, perhaps starting in 2019 but on my list of missions within my remaining years. One is I want to pursue studies in theology/divinity/spirituality. I will be 60 this year and so much need to know more of my Creator. Second is to start visiting special trees while my legs still work albeit with the aid of a walker. When I first announced my tree visiting, I had said trees around the world. I have since modified that to trees in my province, then maybe further if travelling is in my stars. For years I thought these were pipe-dreams so I was surprised as my daughter when these wishes were expressed with such conviction. We shall see. PS Snow is my favourite element!

Pen Wilcock said...

Rapunzel — as always you bring a fresh perspective. This is the first time I have ever heard of crows and squirrels being KonMaried. If you go out in the early morning you will probably find them industriously folding up leaves and petals to stack according to colour gradation.

Julie B — if you read no other book in 2019, I recommend Gary Taubes' "The Case Against Sugar", but start with Chapters 10 and 11 first, then go back and read the interesting-but-heavy chapters that precede them. I have been astonished at what has been packed down into my liver, including the emotional debris of decades. Taubes doesn't talk about that (nobody does that I know of), but his message to us is both urgent and important. I like your real self, btw.

Anonymous — well done for making such courageous and radical change! Bring in the new! I also took some work steps in 2018, ceasing to work with a publisher who required me to suppress truth and taking on the last pieces I shall ever do for another that has made changes I do not admire. And on the personal relationships front, change is likewise happening. You and I seem to be walking in step!

Arlo — hello! I will try to write some more soon. Thoughts come to me, but I share only as led, if that doesn't sound too holy. Just now I'm editing someone's book too, and Feb/Mar/Apr I'll be writing one of my own, but I'll try to post a bit more once Pearl's funeral is done. My personal view is that your visits to trees will tell you more about the Creator than the studies in theology/divinity/spirituality, though that may be merely cynical. Trees are very direct. If you take a list a of questions with you to the trees, perhaps 2020 will be the year you write the book telling us what they said. Do you know Julia Butterfly Hill's book "The Legacy of Luna"?

Anonymous said...

Pen-Rapunzel here. Work computer won't let me use my name for some reason.

Right now the squirrels are sorting through the heap of bird feed on the shelf outside my kitchen window. They're pushing the tiny seeds to the ground for the birds and carefully storing the nice big paw-sized seeds and nuts. In their cheeks.

Some of the best spiritual advice I've received was from a dear friend years ago who told me to stop overthinking everything and to "Go hang out with the trees and see what is there for you." Weirdo advice on the face of it, but I followed his council and it turns out he was a very wise man.

Pen Wilcock said...

Yes indeed. What thoughtful squirrels you have.