Resentment

 In writing the other day about women and men in society, and the attitudes I saw emerging toward women among young men on the political Right, it struck me that resentment is a serious social toxin.

There will, of course, always be inequality in the sense of difference. The determination to pursue gender fluidity to make all aspects of human opportunity available to all is likely to plough into the ground at some point, because reality will be too adverse for the project's sustainability. So I think we do have to get used to the idea that we can't all be, and have, everything.

I notice this more as I grow old, watching the magic life ingredient of potential gradually atrophy. There are things now that I can see I will never have, never achieve; I have run out of vigour and time, the chance has gone. 

On our way to church on Sunday we parked the car near a house I especially liked. I thought about the houses of other people who have written books — C.S.Lewis and Agatha Christie, for instance — and the houses they lived in. Rudyard Kipling! What a lovely home he had! Batemans, in Sussex. It's beautiful. I thought about what they achieved, and the acclaim that went with it, and the homes they were able to afford through their endeavours. 

But that house we walked by as we went to church will always be out of my reach. I know this as a matter of certainty, because however much money came my way, that's not how I'd spend it. There are other people who don't even have a home to call their own at all; I'd rather fix that than move up the property ladder.

So, though other writers have done better than I have, in ability and recognition and financial success, I don't resent their achievements as writers or the fruits of their labours. I've been doing my own thing, following my own path, shaping my own life which overflows with blessing and brings me great contentment. I've prioritised my own values in the choices I've made, and that makes me happy.

Sitting by the 'fire' in our living room the other night, I was reflecting with my husband Tony on how perfect everything has turned out. I never expected to live where we now do, it just came about through the unfolding of events, but as it happens I really love the street where we live, and in that street I like our house the best, and it has the exact layout I would choose for a couple of our age and requirements. On the sofa beside me, dozing on his heated blanket (!) was Clarence the cat. I had no plans to acquire a cat when we moved in here. But Clarence had no home and just turned up needing somewhere. Yet, as it happens, if I had deliberately gone looking for a cat, Clarence would have been exactly what I hoped for, what I was looking for. I even like his nose, which is long and aristocratic, not one of your snub-nosed pug-faced squashed-up ones. It seems to me that the great I Am, the Ancient of Days, has the exact measure of me, his lowly creation — my longings and even my preferences. Everything is just right.

But what about those young men, looking resentfully at women bosses, and denigrating the new Archbishop of Canterbury, and resenting the (admittedly spiralling out of control) preferential treatment now offered to people from overseas, arrived on our shores in rubber dinghies?

I think establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is essential for the health of either an individual or a country. I think position achieved by merit is a better way of proceeding than positive discrimination. I think there will always be inequalities and aspects of life that are hard/easy to access because of your gender or race or religion or colour or age or class or health or income or natural abilities or whatever it is. Some hurdles can be surmounted with effort, others are set too high. 

But, I tend towards the view (this is more of a suspicion than a certainty) that what undoes a person, what corrodes them, what ruins life, is not the adversity but the resentment. I'm not saying we should be indifferent towards serious persecution, like (for instance) the murder of Nigerian Christians by Boko Haram. I think society should always address violence to stop it. In the same way, I think exclusion of minorities is wrong; by which I mean things like not letting someone attend a school because of the colour of their skin. I think the legal framework of a society should defend equality, but I don't think we should try to micro-manage the delivery of equality. There will always be adversity because of cultural norms, though I wish this were not true. But in a reasonably democratic society where we're not talking about danger to life levels of adversity, I think resentment poisons more people than the adversity does.

I came across a little flurry of videos by Jordan Peterson a while ago, that he made with his wife Tammy about the principles they follow in their married life. They had quite a bit to say about resentment. It's something they have identified as being like (this is me saying this, not them) what the Bible calls 'a root of bitterness' — something that needs weeding out as a matter of priority. If they sense within themselves resentment arising, they talk it through and they examine it and they take responsibility for doing whatever it needed to remove it.

I think that's very wise. 

There's that bit in Max Ehrmann's Desiderata:

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

This is wisdom. 

Of course, as part of bringing in the Kingdom we should do our best to see that each and every one has the chance to pursue his or her dream, to flourish and excel. Of course we should take the trouble to see and address the adversities some people struggle with, be that a disability or a geographical disadvantage or something bad happening like a redundancy or a house fire or whatever. Our job is to help one another, to lift each other up, not just turn away and leave other people to cope on their own.

But in one's own life, it's worth staying vigilant about resentment. It has a tap root that makes it very difficult to eradicate once it's established. Resentment pretends to be about other people, to be their fault, caused by them; but it absolutely is not. Resentment in me is my own issue, my responsibility, and mine is the life it will ruin if I don't address it clearly and directly and get rid of it.

If you look up what the Bible and the church teach about resentment, the general consensus is that the antidote to resentment is forgiveness. I see why that's thought to be the case, but I don't think I agree. Forgiveness is needed when someone has hurt you, on purpose. I think resentment is more allied to envy, to wishing you had what someone else has, to thinking action is required because their advantage means your circumstances aren't as good as theirs, or your voice is ignored while theirs is heard.

I think the antidote to resentment might be gratitude, or contentment — something more in that ballpark than forgiveness. But I'm not sure. What do you think?