Two things on my mind tonight.
The first is scorn.
I started thinking about it yesterday when I was driving out through the Sussex lanes that wind between the hedgerows and the fields. Scorn. The family I grew up in was big on scorn. We held almost everyone who wasn’t us in comprehensive contempt. The habit of mind travelled with me, entrenched and unquestioned until I reached my thirties, when a friend commented “You’re always so scornful.” It was true, and I’d never noticed before. I tried after that to be kinder, and less quick to belittle and dismiss. If I’d thought about it earlier, and if I’d realized how hard it would be to shuck off opinions, I think I’d have gone for giving up scorn for Lent. Mind you – just for Lent? Scorn is the kind of thing that should be given up forever. It sounds like a manufactured food: Nuggets of frozen scorn in crispy breadcrumbs (Ingredients: half-baked self-esteem; bitters). Yum. Not.
Opinions still proving resistant to eradication. It’s Buzzfloyd’s Facebook page that’s my undoing. She posts links to these interesting articles I can’t resist commenting on. Ooh – talking of ‘interesting’ – this film is wonderful. Well for us fans of Ina May Gaskin it is, anyway. Oh, I loved every minute of it.
But the second thing (apart from scorn) I’ve been turning over in my mind is to do with liver and the emotions. I never attained the full Gerson regime, but at least for a couple of weeks I didn’t eat anything it said not to. After I had my mole chopped out and my general health was clearly good, I relaxed the Gerson idea but actually found it had made me so well I that went back to the principles of it. One of a variety of health benefits it offered is steady detoxification of the liver. As this has progressed I’ve noticed the appearance of free-range unconnected emotion. Sometimes happiness (light, happy effervescent), sometimes sadness (intense, dragging despair). I have no idea where these emotions come from, they seem to be unconnected to anything, bubbling up like marsh gas, eventually to disperse and float away.