Nope. Not going to happen.
All day I have been trying to summon the energy to do the work I am supposed to be doing.
My motivation is as springy and focussed as shot knicker-elastic.
Tomorrow is another day.
I have been thinking.
In my thought bubbles, everything is condensing down to more easily processed compartments.
In terms of food – this:
Fairly traded and ethically farmed; no GMO, organic preferred
From small local businesses, preferably sourced from small local farms
Fresh or dried, unprocessed wholefoods, avoiding plastic packaging
Foods that alkalize the body
In terms of earning a living – this
“Right livelihood” – ie work that has no hidden shadows – work done directly for and paid by the client. Investments only in what I see and know – no deposit accounts relying on guns and bombs or dodgy sweatshops.
In terms of daily life – this:
SPACE – simplifying down to the point where I am not hustled or harassed, but have space to live mindfully and conscientiously. No clutter to clean and organise. No crammed schedule to wind me up. Simple requirements needing small income leaving space to think and dream and make conscious responses and choices.
Living every day in duet with Mother Earth – handling water as precious, fuel as precious, body waste as precious nutrition to compost for the flowers; loving the song of birds and the changing daylight moonlight starlight and the fragrance of growing things. Moving in time as music, kairos dancing; not consumed by the relentless jaws of Chronos.
Now; I have a mountain to climb. I have identified one bubble of thorniest difficulty, and it is all to do with my tongue. Brother James writes about it here:
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:3-8)
My tongue is taking me into trouble.
Looking into my life to see what in general needs attention, I identified two things:
- Negative speech. I am very sarcastic, and I grumble and complain a lot.
- I am addicted to sugar.
Then it occurred to me, maybe those are the same thing. They are both poison tongue issues – a fire, a world of evil corrupting the whole body.
I wish I wish I wish . . . for a sangha – a wisdom community of mutual support, walking the same way, seeing the same vision . . . people whose pigs are headed where my pig is. Of firm determination. Purposeful. Strong. I could be those things if I had created the right habit energy, but I didn’t do it. Fifty-five years of poison tongue – poison going in and poison coming out – have set up a current that flows against where I want to go. And my past record shows little hope of swimming against the current.
I will try.
Breathing in, I savour the aroma of wholesomeness
Breathing out, I am renewed
Breathing in, I enjoy the peace of freedom from sugar peaks and troughs
Breathing out, I enjoy the peace of no criticism, no blame
Breathing in, I delight in the oxygen of simplicity
Breathing out, I take things one step at a time in mindfulness
Peace is every step; not side-tracked, not distracted, not disappointing myself.
Today is the first day I will not be Red Riding Hood. I will release all the wolves into the wild and leave the tempting flowers to bloom on their own.
Not because my mother told me to, and not because I am afraid; but because this is my path, and it is time to begin walking it.
But I am only an Unsui, an unfit beginner. Who will be my teacher, my guide, my coach? I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills. From whence cometh my help?
Oh, okay. My help is in the Name of the Lord, who has made heaven and earth.
The Name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it, and they are saved. I have news for you. Inside the Name of the Lord there is no sugar and no spite. I will shelter there when the path gets too steep and I am tired.
What is this tedious little thing? Oh, a pointless freebie from Clinique. They were hoping to improve my face.