Wednesday, 23 May 2012

"End of Diversion"


I am learning what you know and I know, that accumulation of possessions, like over-eating, is associated with loneliness and sadness.

Tonight, for example, I felt lonely.  I argued with myself a little while, pointing out to myself that conversations of length, especially in the evening, often spiral down through weariness, like a whirling bract, into treacherous and negative territory – complaining, picking holes, sifting through the faults of others.  I reminded myself that when those you miss are present, they are usually immersed in electronic pursuits – online or watching telly.  And most often, I have nothing to say; just a blind, dumb searching for companionship.  I just felt lonely.

So what did I do, brothers and sisters?  Call a friend? Visit a neighbour?  Flush out the other members of the household and instigate a game of cards?  No.  I almost bought a fountain pen.  WhatWhy?  No idea.  I have had a fountain pen before, a jolly good one.  I gave it away.   Evidence of incremental improvement lies in that crucial word “almost”.  Tonight I almost bought a fountain pen, because I was lonely.  For most of my life, I would have just done it.

So as I didn’t buy the fountain pen I thought I might have some cake.

I have eaten my supper.  I am not hungry.  But cake is cheerfulness, and if you ingest cheerfulness you become cheerful, according to my intuitive logic; no matter that the Buddha knows that if you take refuge in fat then, as sure as day follows night, fat will take refuge in you.

So having neither bought a fountain pen nor eaten any more cake, I am left feeling sad and lonely and a little insecure.


My whole life long I have bought things and eaten things to distract me from sadness and loneliness, but there comes a time to stop.

 And then I will be just a person, alive like the sparrows and the windflowers, singing my own song and turning my face to the sun while life lasts.

I have no previous experience to suggest what my alternatives to eating things and buying things, as distraction from unwelcome states of mind, might be.  Today I have done some gardening, filled the day with the usual household chores, walked by the sea and it the park, spent time with my family, read my book.  And having run out of these diversions as the evening comes down, there is only the sadness and loneliness left.

I expect I shall feel better in the morning.


Oh - incidentally - I have been pruning out the links and info in the right-hand side-bar here.  If you see that your blog has been amputated from the list by my over-zealous secateurs, emit a faint squawk and I'll put it back.


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365 366 Day 144 – Wednesday May 23rd   



Just in case, we kept these cat collars from the vet.  But, as the Bible says, “Come, let us reason together.”
After all, what for?  We live in the same road as the vet, two minutes walk away. If the cat gets sick or injured, what will we do?  Take it to the vet.  If it needs a cat collar, what will the vet do?  Ask if we have one at home?  No.  Supply a new one. Result?  A steadily increasing hoard of used cat collars. 
So, let’s maybe allow these ones out of the house.

14 comments:

Roberta said...

Ember, I have noted you you also read "leave it where Jesus flang it". Today's blog contained this thought which I related to what you expressed today:

-and we take such pains to hide our woundedness --make such efforts to hide our grief --pretend that everything is okay --deny our vulnerability....
Perhaps this is the true story of Thomas the Doubter --not the Doubt which we preach with such confidence.... but the wounds, the willing vulnerability of Jesus...
Yes, Thomas, my wounds are real... look... stick your finger here.... it still hurts --it's still open, it still bleeds....
--and by his wounds we are healed....

Ember, from what you have shared with us, and having read several of your books, I would say that you are not just (or only) a person, but one who, having been given many gifts, is blessed to be all-ways reflecting on and dialoging with God.

Ember said...

:0) Hi Roberta - you will see I significantly edited what I originally posted - it seemed prudent on reflection.
But thank you for your kindness and for that fab quotation from "Leave it lay where Jesus flang it", which is an excellent blog.

Gail said...

Dear Pen, I have been reading your blog for a while, but just haven't posted any remarks. The "End of Diversion" is an amazing entry. It is so so brave. You have been very helpful to me in my own journey to a simpler way. I too am learning how buying things and even thinking about buying things is a huge diversion. I think underneath I'm afraid to just be. I think it's one reason we always ask about each other's work. It's probably why recession/depression scares us so much. I wish you a peaceful night.

Ember said...

Hi Gail - so good to hear from you. You will see I significantly edited what I wrote. I was uneasy with it because I thought it was possibly less than helpful to those who work with me in publishing my writing.
But yes, I think you're right - we scurry to the externals to escape the deeper realities.
Thank you so much for stopping by to leave a comment.

Buzzfloyd said...

What I do at such times is to find something very funny - a funny blog, such as awkwardfamilyphotos.com, a comedy on the telly or similar - and watch that, then go to bed. I remind myself that the feelings are ephemeral and are probably partly to do with tiredness. Also, a small snack might not be that bad an idea, as sometimes it's an energy issue, but maybe not cake?

Bean said...

Hi Ember,
I do hope you feel better after a good nights sleep. Sometimes our thoughts, doubts, and fears get the better of us.
Enjoy your morning oatmeal and nettle tea and may you face the new day with a smile on your heart.

Blessings to you,

Bean

Ember said...

Hey friends :0) Good thoughts!

Buzz that's an excellent suggestion. I just gave up on the day, went to bed, slept very deeply, and finally woke from a vivid and extraordinary dream involving an out-of control killer, a woman in Plain dress with a kapp held together by safety pins, and a large number of Indonesian people attending a new venture at Pett Chapel. I have just woken up from an intensive discussion with the out-of-control killer, so the morning feels a little odd just now . . .

Bean - yes, porridge and nettle tea - that's how every day begins :0)

Ember said...

Buzz, I have been looking at the Awkward Family Photos. Cripes. Compelling, but . . .

Wimmera said...

I use my fountain pen to write in dairy or send note to another lonely person(eldery or poor get some money as well).

Ember said...

:0) Hi Wimmera! x

Alice Y. said...

Lost sight of you on Facebook - are you still on there? (It does just do funny things sometimes, all on its own, apparently.) God bless, anyway.

Ember said...

Hi Alice - yes, I have wandered away from Facebook, but may go back. Nice to see you here, anyway xx

Alice Y. said...

I often read here, though I rarely comment. Will miss you on the Innermost House page! My favourite bit of Facebook, thanks so much for recommending it so I found it. xx

Ember said...

:0) Well, stop by and wave from time to time, friend! Give them my love on the Innermost House page - such a thoughtful and insightful place! x